How NOT to learn English at home!

EngVid is an online video service that provides students with English instruction...and lots of help on how NOT to learn English. If you only watch one video today, make it this one.

A new way of giving classes

Those of you who have been looking for an English teacher have probably noticed a new trend: fewer teachers are doing face-to-face classes, and more are offering classes via Skype (or VOIP - voice over Internet protocol.)

Why? Well, there are several reasons.

For me, the most interesting thing about Skype classes is that I'm not losing time by being on the Metro. I like being out of the house and seeing new neighborhoods. Last year, however, I calculated that I was spending more time on public transit than I was in the classroom, which means that if you're on a bus or a train, you're not making money.

That sounds bad, I know, but think of it this way: If you do 30 hours of class in a week, which means that you have to spend 30 hours travelling around the city, that means you spend 60 hours working, not 30, and that cuts your money by 50%. That means that there are two ways you can compensate for that loss. You can start charging students more money to go to their houses (which isn't fair for a lot of people.) Or...you can eliminate the problem altogether by eliminating the transit. That's what I've done.

And what happens if you don't live in a city? What happens if you live in a very small town that doesn't have any English speakers, let alone academies or language schools? Ah. That's another huge advantage with Skype: where there's Internet, there's class! You don't need to have bricks...just clicks. So far, I've worked with students in places like Ciudad Real, Barcelona, Lleida, A Coruña and Segovia, and all of them have been pleased with the result. And at least two of them are very happy that they don't have to have the house totally clean before the teacher comes to give class!

If you're not convinced...ask me for a free class! Try before you buy! If you have Skype and would like to see what a class is like...send me an e-mail! I'm offering a free Skype class to anyone who contacts me before Monday, September 19th, 2011. (Limit of one Skype class per person.)

What is an English class worth?

How much is an English class worth to you? Let me ask you this: who's worth more to you, your cleaning lady or your English teacher?

I just got off the phone with someone who wanted to pay me €10 an hour for classes. Well, once you calculate the travel time and the preparation time, that's what it would come out to.

I pay my cleaning lady €10 an hour and she can't even read.

Taking English classes is an investment. And sometimes, it's going to be expensive. That's why it's an investment. And I'm not sure why people will happily pay €60 for a lunch that will be digested in two hours, but balk at €25 for an English class that could help them get a job or improve their future.

If you want a trained, experienced English teacher to help you, please don't insult an English teacher by asking them to accept less money than you would pay someone who can't read.

(From 2008:) The Door, Neo...

Looking back on my personal Facebook stuff, I just found this, and thought it might be interesting to share:

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- So you're saying that my English is terrible and that I'm not going to pass.
- I did not say that. You are unfairly manipulating my words.

He looks at the photocopied page of vocabulary suggestions, some of which he might well use. On the back of the page, there's the transcription of the recording of what he produced on Tuesday afternoon. It is a mangled mishmash of sentence fragments, badly conjugated verbs - the whole lot.

- All I'm saying is that if you do what you've been doing, you're going to get what you've always had and things are not going to change.
- I don't agree.

Well, he wouldn't, wouldn't he? As an upper-middle-class twenty-something, he considers it his right to take four weeks of holiday in August and ignore a relatively simple speaking exam task for the better part of three months, then go back home, raising all kinds of hue and cry and phoning every English teacher in SEGUNDAMANO, because he's worried that he just might fail. Again.

No, I shouldn't say that he's worried. He knows he is going to totally fail this exam. When I shake the wet filet of hand that he offers, the two fingers and section of palm that he offers as a matter of courtesy and little else, it is so drenched with cold sweat (and it's almost 30ºC outside) that I half expect his eyes to roll back in his head and his knees to give out, and for him to flop backwards like a clueless Broadway ingenue. Cold sweat. It's still summer outside and he's wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Our poor boy knows he's going down for the third time. And that's not an exaggeration. There are no fourth chances at the Escuela Oficial. Which means that, from here on in, it's Cambridge First Certificate at €179 a pop. And he's confessed to failing that four times.

- I think that the best thing is that I need to find another teacher to take class with. This, in English.
- I think that's an excellent idea.

He doesn't want a teacher. He wants someone to pat him on the head and stroke his cheek and tell him that everything is going to be okay. He wants a cheerleader, a nanny.

He offers to give me back the sheet. Thanks, but I already speak the language almost comes out, but I cut it at:

- Thanks, I still have the originals at home.

What does he expect me to say? THAT's what I don't understand at all. Does he, in all seriousness, expect me to go on endlessly about his linguistic ability? Does he want me to lie like a rug and tell him everything's gonna be all right?

We walk back along Avenida de Badajoz and he keeps his space so much that he walks out into traffic rather than walk behind the bus shelter with me.

- You ever seen "The Matrix"?
- ¿El qué?
- The Matrix.
- ¿El Mundo?
- No. Matrix. La peli con Laurence Fishburne, Keanu Reeves....
- Pues sí, hombre.
- ¿Te acuerdas de lo que dijo Morfeo cuando Neo se planteó abandonar el mundo para entrar al Matrix? (No answer.) Te puedo mostrar el puerto, Neo....

He offers his hand and a perfunctory, slimy handshake, and slouches off.

The Apostrophe S Lesson

Two pictures taken from the streets in the past couple of days....these are very good examples of how you do NOT use the apostrophe S (what Spanish speakers mistakenly refer to as "s anglosajón").

1. Only use 's when you refer to animals, people or groups of people:

- the cat's meow

- the nurse's purse

- Max's mice

"Alba's House Cooking" is incorrect because "Alba's house" is better for the actual living space of a woman named Alba. It does not refer to the dynasty of the Duchy of Alba. For that, you need the preposition OF. "The Cuisine of the House of Alba" is appropriate. As a native speaker, "Alba's House Cooking" makes me think that Alba's apartment has some kind of special powers. (Bad one, Westin Hotels.)

2. Don't use both 's and of together if you're not sure. If the person who owns this bar really is named Benjamín, it's enough to use the 's to show that this is his bar or his business.

We use 's to talk about:

- a person's possessions (Mike's bikes)

- where a person works (Dad's office)

- a part of a person's body (Bree's knees)

- personal relationships (my father's girlfriend, his sister's boss)

Items, things and buildings cannot, however "own" things (the front door of the block of flats, the back door of the car, the front page of the newspaper)

How to swear like a native, Part 1

True opinion: One of the things that most people want to learn first, when they learn a language, is the swear words. The academic part of me thinks that this is because swear words signify extreme emotions, which you usually want to avoid when you speak a language. The same problem exists here as with any other vocabulary: it's important to use it properly, to show what you mean.

"Shit" creates special problems for Spanish speakers of English for several reasons. First, it's not used as commonly in English as it is in Spanish; maybe it's because I live in Madrid, but I hear people here saying it a lot more frequently than I did back home...and, trust me, people where I come from swear a lot.)

Here are some basic guidelines that you can use when you're using this word:

shit - "a swear word that many people find offensive, used to show that you are angry or annoyed (OALD)". English speakers do NOT automatically use it to describe everything that works badly (Better: "This is useless" or "This is a useless piece of junk"), tastes bad ("This is disgusting/awful/horrible"), or as a countable noun. Similarly, if your boss lands you with a stressful, last-minute task, that is not called "a brown" in English.

There are various variations of the word that, when combined with the name of an animal, gives another idea of "extreme emotion", but be careful because they are used in very specific ways:

bullshit - a swear word that many people might find offensive, used to show that the person thinks the information is highly incorrect or deceitful. ("He told you that he's going on holiday with his grandmother? Bullshit!")

apeshit - (esp. to go apeshit) - to become extremely angry, especially when you receive bad or shocking news.

batshit - (esp. batshit crazy) - extremely irrational or crazy. (The politician may have some good ideas about the economy, but I'd never vote for her; she's batshit crazy.)

(One note: don't try looking up definitions for these words in either Wikipedia - which will direct you to "anger", instead; or UrbanDictionary, which has no filter process that eliminates useless or incorrect definitons.)

Why write?

Good question. Why do students hate writing?

• It takes time to learn how to do well.
• It's not something that comes easily to most people. We grow up learning how to talk, but we have to learn how to write. We can make sounds as soon as we're born, but we can't write anything until we have an idea of how language works, and we can make our hands and eyes work together.
• There's the idea that you can't take the mistake back. If you make a mistake when you speak, the mistakes only exist as long as other people remember it. When there's a mistake on paper, it's there, and feels more permanent.

If you hate writing, remember these ideas:

• Anthropologists think that humans have been using spoken communication for over 100,000 years, but we've only had writing for something like 6,000 years. It's not something that we just automatically DO. (Thank you, David Crystal.)
• Writing is hard for everyone. It's hard for native speakers of English, too.
• Avoiding things you hate doesn't make them easier to do. If you avoid writing, you're just making the problem worse.
• No amount of excuses will ever make writing go away. Even if you hate writing with a passion, complaining and moaning and whining and belly-aching and bitching and crying and sulking will never, ever make writing disappear.
• It's all right if you don't write as well as a native speaker does. You just need to know how to write to get what you need. (Remember the key: Language is a tool to get what you want.)
• Writing may not be spontaneous, but that's good, because it means that you have more time and opportunity to say exactly what you want.
• If you make a mistake when you're speaking, you can't take it back and make it perfect. When you write, you DO have a chance to fix what you created.

It's your choice.

New for 2011-2012...

The Tour de France finishes today, which means that the summer is almost over. And since the summer is almost over, that means that the school year's almost here, which means that teachers have to start planning and preparing for September. (Yeah, I know... depressing, isn't it?)

There are a couple of changes that I need to inform students about, so if you're going to be returning to class this fall, or would like to start classes this year, here's what you need to know.

a) Prices: Starting from September, the prices for classes are:

Classes via Skype: €19 per session.

Face-to-Face Classes: €22 per hour if we do them at Stop Spanglish.

Face-to-Face at Your Place:€27 per hour, minimum 90 minutes.

(If you sign up for Skype classes before August 25th, the price still stays at €15, but goes up in September.)

b) To make sure we all understand the same things about HOW we do the classes, Mar has graciously helped me create a Terms of Service agreement that every student will be required to sign before we start classes. Don't panic. It's basically a list of things that I owe you as a teacher and guidelines of how we're going to do business together. When you start classes and begin your training plan, you'll get a copy of this, personalized for you.

As always, if you have any questions, let me know!

Sound...NOT Spelling!

When students learn English pronunciation, it's sometimes hard for them to understand that sometimes there's no direct relationship between the way you pronounce a word and the way you spell it. This joke, which is currently circulating around Facebook, illustrates that problem perfectly: sometimes, it's easier to think of the sounds you need to create a word, rather than the letters.

Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
Then...I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a botle of Baileys, a bodle of wum, a pock of Prungles, an a boc a choclez. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss lol lol

Cheers! Happy Friday, and if you drink, don't type.

Mobile phones in the classroom? The answer is yes!

Once upon a time, I hated it when students brought their cellphones to class. Ten years ago, if students brought their phones to class, it was only for two reasons: a) because they were scared of their manager and had a difficult job where they needed to be available all the time, whether they wanted to be or not; or, more likely b) because they really believed that a call from Mamá, saying, "Buy bread!" was more important than class time was.

Things have changed. First of all, not many companies are offering free classes to their students anymore. People who didn't behave themselves in classes have not been given more classes. (There's an economic crisis, dammit!) The best reason, though, is because phones can do so much more than they could in 2001. As a result, I want to learn some new things, too, especially how to welcome phones into the classroom. Here are three reasons to keep that phone on while you're learning.

Don't write it down - take a photo! Even the cheapest mobile phone now has a decent camera on it. If you find it hard to take notes AND take part in the class at the same time, use the camera on your phone to record what's being written on the board. (I do this a lot when we have a class with a lot of grammar, and there's something I want to remember.)

Keep track of your homework assignments and exam dates with a notes application. I use Evernote because I can link it in with Gmail, and it can use the camera's capabilities

Use an online dictionary like Dictionary.com, instead of a paper dictionary. I'm not sure if Oxford has any plans to release a free app of any of their dictionaries (wouldn't it be great to have the Advanced Learner's Dictionary for free on your iPhone and save €45?) but you can get Dictionary.com for free, and I'm sure that there are probably many other reference books available through Android and iPhone (I've got a Blackberry, which has lots of good stuff but not any of the big publishers. Not for free, anyway.)

Before I forget, the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary is now available, totally free, through the Oxford University Press website.

Obviously, there are some things you still shouldn't do with a phone. You won't be permitted to bring any kind of telephone into an official exam, such as First or TOEFL, and it would be very unwise to do that with a school exam. Turn the settings to SILENT so that you don't disturb anyone, don't take phone calls in class (if you need to take a phone call, let your teacher know before class starts and be subtle about learning) and be careful how much texting you do in class. After all, you ARE in class for a reason!

No one gives you the title.

One of the reasons why exams like TOEFL and First are so appealing is that you GET something at the end of the process. You study, you do the exam and, if you do it well, you get a piece of paper at the end. Congratulations! You are now "X".

That may be why it's hard to study English when you don't have a clear goal. You can study English and say you're studying English, and there's nothing wrong with that. It seems more REAL, however, if you have something in mind.

Here's a thought: What about studying English so that you can say, with confidence, "I am an English speaker"?

Go ahead. Try it. I am an English speaker. I am an English speaker. I am an English speaker.

I have no authority to tell you whether you ARE an English speaker or not. Only you can do that. Cambridge can't do it. ETS, the people who offer the TOEFL exam, can't do that. They can give you a piece of paper that estimates your level once you're done the exam. But they have no way of knowing what you're going to do with that English once the exam is done.

No one gives you the title of "English speaker". Only you can do that for yourself.

New website!

So....I've finally gotten organized and have set up a little website to advertise Stop Spanglish's services. It's not much...YET. I still have to figure out what I want to do with the content and the organization, so it's still pretty basic. The full website should be up and going by September.

How NOT to learn English - the video

How not to learn English. I couldn't have said it better myself...

What to do about place names

I've seen this sign around Madrid for several years now, and it never fails to bother me. Why? "Gran Vía Street" is redundant. A "Vía" is a kind of street, so it doesn't make any sense to say it twice.

Generally speaking, you do not need to translate place names. The Plaza Mayor is the Plaza Mayor. Cibeles is Cibeles, not Cibelle Place. If an English speaker asks for directions, say the name in Spanish. That's what's printed on the maps the Tourism Office gives out.

What level are you? And how do you know?

Six or seven years ago, when I was teaching at AXA Insurance, one of my students had to hire an administrative assistant with a "good" level of English. Problem was, when he had to do the job interview, he found that most of the candidates spoke a little bit of English, but not much. They'd have enough English to survive in a bar or supermarket, but not much beyond that.

"Well," I said, "what do you mean by 'good' English?"

"Good!" he shouted. "You know, good, as in...good?"

"You need a better description than 'good'," I said. "Everyone thinks they speak 'good' English, the same way they think they make a 'good' tortilla española, or that their mother is a 'good' person."

The problem with words like "good" (as I've said before) is that it's an extremely useless and inaccurate word. That's a problem for managers, who may need employees with specific English skills, or for job candidates, who want to show how much better their English is. For more people, however, that's a problem. If they haven't done any kind of English exam, such as the First or TOEFL, how can they show what they can do?

Here's one way. If, in the past few years, you've had to use an English textbook, take a look at the back. There should be a code listed on the back with a letter (A, B or C) and a number (either 1 or 2.) That code will tell you where you are, more or less, on the European Common Framework of Languages - the EU system of showing where students are, depending on what they can do.

This description, from the Oxford University Press, gives a pretty basic background into the history of the Common Language Framework, and how it works for all languages, not just English. (So if you're also studying French, German, Italian or any EU language, there'll probably be a similar code on your materials.) To make the description even more basic, here's a quick summary.

If you're A1, you're a total beginner. You had little or no previous knowledge of the language before you began taking classes.

If you're A2, you're more than a beginner. You can talk about yourself, you can ask for basic products and services and you can have simple conversations.

If you're A2/B1, you can speak more or less clearly about yourself, but having a detailed conversation may give you trouble. You might have one specific skill, such as listening or writing, that gives you trouble. If you're in Spain, you know that you have enough language, but you know that you don't have enough English to survive in an English-speaking country

If you're B2, your skills are advanced enough that you could survive in an English-speaking job, or with an English-speaking family, without too much trouble. You might not have enough language to do anything really complicated, like negotiate, but you could present an opinion about a topic, solve a problem with a friend or co-worker, and listen to a short lecture or radio show without too much trouble. (This is the level of competence that you need to pass the First Certificate.)

If you're functioning at the C1 level, you're doing pretty good! You've probably spent a lot of time with native English speakers, or you've lived in an English-speaking country. Watching movies or reading books might take you longer than it would for an average native English speaker, but you're comfortable in most social situations; you have enough language to find a solution to a detailed problem, and you could probably read a longer magazine article or take part in a university class without too much trouble.

If you've worked your way up to the C2 level...congratulations! You're practically the same as a native speaker of English! Now, no one's going to confuse you with a native speaker, but you can probably do most of the things that a native speaker could do without too much trouble.

Obviously, this is a HUGE simplification of the system, and if you'd like a more detailed idea of what people can do at each level, the Association of Language Teachers of Europe Can-Do Document has a much better description than the one I've provided here.

So give yourself a grade -- it's much better than simply saying "I'm good"!

It's TOUR time!

You know it's summer when the Tour de France starts! Here are three web pages that will help keep you up to date on what's happening:

Bicycling Magazine - BICYCLING used to be the best source of information about anything and everything that had to do with Lance Armstrong (which meant that if you wanted to read about any other American rider, you had to look elsewhere.) Recently, however, it's become a lot more diverse, and provides tons of information about training, nutrition and people who enjoy cycling. It's diverse, but it's not too hard to understand.

NY Velocity was originally set up as an information website for amateur and professional bike racers in New York City. Most people, however, read the page for its very sarcastic (and very funny!) comic strip, "As the Toto Turns", which imitates a soap opera (=telenovela) and has some very funny insights into life in the pro pelotón.

CyclingNews is one of the most diverse websites that talks about cycling (road, mountain, and cyclocross). Its coverage of Spanish cycling isn't so great (it looks like most of the articles were taken directly from AS and MARCA) but it's a great place to get results and statistics, and it's also one of the few websites that covers women's cycling.

Great listening practice this summer...

As a Canadian, one of the things I love about the European Union is that it motivates countries and organizations to work together. To give you an example: take a look at NORTH BY SOUTHWEST, a new radio documentary series that the British Council and Radio Nacional de España are collaborating on.

I especially like the episode about bilingual education - there's some good stuff to think about in there.

Bookmark this page!

Madrid doesn't have a lot of websites that try to bring together Spanish and English speakers - you see websites for English speakers who work in Spain, and websites for Spanish speakers who want to learn English.

Now there's a website that combines the best of both. English Warehouse is a website that provides practical help for students who want to know how to take their English to the next letter; and there's also a section for English speakers who want to make the most of their time in Madrid.

Check it out!

Hey, at least he's trying...

Seen on "Alguna Pregunta Mès"...musician Mario Vaquerizo, giving English his best effort. It may not be very elaborate, but hey! At least he's trying....

One way to remember participle adjectives

If you have problems remembering which participle adjective to use (bored or boring?), here's one trick that you can use.

-ING adjectives can be used to talk about the reason why you use something:
running shoes
frying pan
hiking boots
mixing bowl

-ED adjectives are used to describe what has happened to the thing. (This is why you see -ED adjectives used a lot in the names of foods:)
baked potatoes
fried fish
toasted almonds
roasted chicken
barbecued ribs
chocolate-dipped peanuts (like Conguitos)

And see the photo below to see a perfect example of how NOT to use participle adjectives to describe food.

If you're looking for conversation classes this summer...

One of the academies I teach for, Hexagone Idiomas, is offering a very special price for English classes this summer - €30 for eight hours of conversation.

I should say that the main focus of the course is conversation, but I've put in a proposal to do other courses as well - a course on phrasal verbs, a shorter version of the Stop Spanglish course, and maybe one on writing. It depends on the demand.

If you're interested, contact Céline or Eva at Hexagone... (91) 563 2148.

Think you know your irregular past tense verbs?

So you think you know your irregular past tense verbs?

Take out a piece of paper and set your watch/mobile phone to time you for five minutes. In five minutes, can you write down...

a) fifteen irregular past tense verbs you did before 1PM yesterday?

b) ten irregular past tense verbs that have more than six letters?

c) ten irregular past tense verbs that you did when you were a kid, but that you don't do now?

Five Great Twitter Feeds for Students

Even if you don't have a Twitter account, you can still take advantage of the knowledge and experience that the experts share on Twitter. Although there are lots of great people and companies to follow, here are five great feeds for students of English....

@AJEnglish - English language news from the Gulf's Al-Jazeera TV News. Al-Jazeera has a lot of viewers whose first language is not English, so it's easier to follow than CNN.

@GrammarMonkeys - Fun for intermediate-advanced students. Learn how to use use hyphens properly, identify funny mistakes and learn what NOT to do with English.

@phrasemix - I don't know who Aaron is or who he teaches, but...how does he always remember to write down those little things that students get wrong in class...AND provide a short, easy answer in under 140 characters?

@ThisIsSethsBlog - Seth Godin doesn't teach English, but that doesn't mean he isn't helpful. He's a marketing and work psychology guru who, at least once a week, posts something REALLY useful and inspiring about the power of positive thinking - and how to check your attitude so that you don't end up being your biggest problem

@myenglishexam - This is the Twitter feed that goes with the excellent Flo-Joe website- if you're doing First Certificate, Advanced or Proficiency in the next few months, you need to consult both the website and the Twitter feed regularly

NEW! Book your classes online!

Something new that I'm trying for this summer: to the right, you'll see that there's an online booking form that you can use if you'd like to change or move your classes. Right now, most students have a pretty fixed schedule.

By September, however, I'll be moving all the course booking totally online, so feel free to experiment with the widget, if you like.

What the academies don't want you to know

Like a lot of teachers, I advertise on the Internet. It's not the most efficient way to find students, but given that it's fairly passive (you do it once and then it's OK), it's another way of advertising. And I think that, generally, I'm pretty good about being professional about contacts. I try to contact people in a respectful way. I try to be respectful when people contact me. But there are some contacts that make me shake my head.

I'm sure that the academy that contacted me thought that €16 an hour is a good deal. And if you've got block hours and very little travelling, sure. It sounds like a lot of money. But I'm about to reveal three bits of information that language academies do not want you to know. I'm not writing this to cause trouble, but I think that if you decide to sign up for academy classes, there are some things you should be aware of.

a) You do not need to be a certified language teacher to be an English teacher in Spain. Why not? Because, technically, private language teaching does NOT come under the control of the Ministry of Education: state schools, such as the Escuelas de Idiomas, yes; Bob's Language Academy, no.

English academies come under the control of the Ministry of Consumer Affairs, just as driving schools or dance classes do. In fact, you probably don't even have to be a language teacher IN Spain: more than one academy uses telephone language classes that are done with phone operators in the Philippines. (Or used to, anyway.)

Outstanding language academies will demand that their teachers have some kind of teaching certification (a TEFL/CELTA/Trinity/DELTA accreditation) and some kind of experience. Many others will offer €9 to €13 an hour to backpackers, American university students (who can work up to twenty hours a week to support their studies), which means that "teachers" are making less than a cashier at the local Dia, and probably be as qualified to do it.

b) Working for an academy is very similar to being a prostitute. Yes, that sounds harsh. But think about it: if that academy offers a teacher €16 an hour, they're not charging clients €16 an hour. The client is probably being charged €30 to €35 an hour, and the teacher only sees half the money, even though the teacher does most of the work. (That's exactly the same way that ETTs work.) That €16 an hour does NOT include travel time, by the way. If I'm being paid €16 an hour, my class lasts for one hour, but the class is at the airport and I don't get paid for my travel time, that's basically a THREE HOUR commitment for one hour, which means that I'm getting just over €5 an hour. Would YOU work for €5 an hour? I didn't think so.

c) Your needs as a learner will never be as important as the academy's need to be profitable. How many times have you gone to a language academy and had classes that had NOTHING to do with the English you need? That's because the academies need to pay for those nice, shiny offices and expensive books, and the easiest way to do that is to get as many students into the same class as possible - whether they are working at the same level, or not. Reputable academies will try to help students as much as possible, and there are certainly schools like the British Council that are cultural agencies, as well as academies, so they're not as driven by profit. Many schools, however, will not start a class unless they have three or four students, minimum - especially now that we're in a recession and they're losing a lot of money.

Let me make one thing clear: I work for academies, have worked for academies and will probably work for academies in the future. Not all academies are bad. Not all academies are out to take all your money and give you nothing in return. If you choose to learn with an academy, you need to be a smart consumer and defend your rights, and stand up for what you want.

And remember that academies are NOT your only option. There are a lot of friendly, smart, professional teachers who can help you. It won't be as cheap as paying €200 per year, but you'll be happier with the results.

Looking for books for independent study?

Summer break is coming up, and it's not too early to start thinking about how you're going to practice once classes finish.

If you're looking for books that will help you develop (or keep) your skills this summer, let me suggest the REAL series of books that have been published by Cambridge University Press. These books focus on one specific goal (for example, reading or listening) and they're broken down into specific units that teach you how to do specific things, like getting a refund in a store or creating a simple presentation. We've used these texts a lot in our Stop Spanglish classes this year, and a couple of students have decided to buy their own copies of the texts because they like them so much.

Here's an example of one of the Real Writing books that we've used.

Most of the English-language bookstores in Madrid, such as Booksellers and Pasajes carry them (though, as always, the best deals can usually be found on Amazon.)

Some more thoughts about students who don't speak in class....

The Atlantic has an interesting article about silent classrooms - classes where students don't speak, either out of fear or boredom.

The piece focuses on American college and university classrooms, but I suspect that this problem also exists in English-language classes. Teachers are taught that the ideal ratio of communication is about 80/20: students talk eighty per cent of the time, teachers 20%.

Is this true in your language classroom? Who does more talking in your class - the teacher or the students?

If you don't participate in your classes.....why?

Silence is NOT golden.

Courtesy of Sandy Millin and Unshelved...

Ever wonder what teachers think when students refuse to talk in class? This is one thing. Among others.

It's over for another year...

A confession: I am really glad Eurovision is over for this year. I thought Spain richly deserved the third-to-last place because the song was bland, boring and uninteresting. (See? Why use the word "bad" when you've got so many other adjectives?)

A debate has started up on The Guardian's Eurovision blog. Do you have a better chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest if your song is in English?

One other thought: I'm not sure why the British always expect to have good results in Eurovision, since they're always talking about how they're not European....

Looking for listening practice?

Since next week is going to be a little quieter, I thought I'd start looking for different websites for different....well, stuff. And in the course of researching information about Moodle, I found ELLLO, where you can practise with recordings of people from all over the world, speaking in English.

Very cool. Plus it's a Creative Commons website, which means you're free to download and practise however you want.

A cool (and cheap) new study tool

TIGER stores, that chain of bargain shops that combines Ikea designs and Todo-a-100 prices, has started stocking these fun sticky notes in the shape of speech balloons. They cost €1 a package and are a great way to organize new vocabulary and new collocations.

Best Five Websites for Intelligent Reading

Since Ana's not continuing her classes this semester, I sent her a list of websites where she could practice her reading (advanced level.) I thought I'd share them with you, too.

The New Yorker - The website also features a number of very interesting podcasts - the monthly fiction/short story podcast is especially good.

The Independent - Good, in-depth reporting.

The Atlantic Monthly - A wide variety of different subjects, but especially strong on economy, American history, politics and urban planning.

Parents Monthly - A favourite magazine and website for my friends who have kids.

The New Internationalist - A British magazine dedicated to topics about global development. If you enjoy thought-provoking articles about the world at large, you'll probably enjoy NI. It's also an exceptionally good source of vocabulary for people who need vocabulary that focuses on international relations and economics.

Some of you will ask why I didn't include "The New York Times". Unfortunately, the "Times" has adopted a new policy that only gives you twenty free articles per month, and while most students won't read more than twenty articles, I think it's a good reason to start looking elsewhere for things to read.

Practice, not study: Mar's ideas

Mar and I were having class yesterday in the Parque del Oeste, and the topic came up about study versus practice. Here's what she does when she wants to work on her English, but doesn't have time to get study in....

- Washing dishes: What are these things called? What adjectives can you use to describe utensils, pots and pans?

- Cleaning around the house: What prepositions and adverbs do you need to describe location and movement? What are the machines called? How do you spell the names of the machines?

- Grocery shopping: What are the English words that describe the groceries that you usually buy every week? Which ones are countable, and which ones are uncountable?

Remember: Study is fine as long as you're disciplined enough to do it. Most of us benefit from regular, steady consistent practice. Five minutes, twice a day, every day will help you more than one hour of staring at a grammar book!

Communication isn't just about talking.

Me: What do you want to focus on? Where do you need the most help?"
Student: "I really need to improve my spoken English."

This is a common request, but in my experience, it's only half the problem. Yes, it's important to know that you have to make people understand you. Communicating your message is only 50% of what communication is.

When you speak with people in English, how much do you listen? Do you try to listen actively and show the other person that you're mentally connected to what they're saying?

When you speak in English, do you practice your listening with the other person (or people) you're talking to? Or do you focus on how you're going to say the next thing you want to say?

To be a good speaker, it's fundamental to be a good listener.

Bad teacher!

This ad is so...bad...on so many levels, it almost doesn't bear thinking about:

http://tinyurl.com/5uhuzbr

If you're not sure what I mean, take a look at the various meanings of "oral" in an English-only dictionary.

Somehow I don't think this guy's ad has anything to do with language.

Thought for the day:

I haven't failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work.

-- Thomas Alva Edison, American inventor.

Thanks to: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Thomas_Edison

If you only consult one web page to help you learn English...

...consult this one. Over the past ten years, Kenneth Beare has worked his tail off to create one of the best general English-learning sites on the Internet:

http://esl.about.com/

Be sure to sign up for the English learning tip of the day!

Shakespeare and Cervantes... was it true?

Happy World Book Day!

There's a common belief that William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes died nearly 400 years ago today. But is the story true? Today in Literature has the complete story.

http://www.todayinliterature.com/stories.asp?Event_Date=4/23/1616

Announcing the ENGLISH FOR EMIGRATION course

It felt weird typing that when I had to do it for the first time. Immigration - when people come INTO a country - has been such a hot topic in Spain for such a long time that it seems strange to think that people leaving the country is now an issue.

But so it is.

I started getting calls and e-mails last summer: "I want to practice for the TOEFL course; I can't find a job here and I can't see the point in staying here." "I'm not working in what I was trained to do and I don't want to wait forever." "I might as well do a master's degree in the States

Here's the story.

You can find basic information on the course at:

http://www.tusclasesparticulares.com/profesores-ingles/english-for-emigration-new-hopes-new-opportunities-152378. Unfortunately, this website doesn't allow you to put in a bunch of relevant information, so here's the other stuff that you should know:

* The course is on Tuesday nights from 8PM to 9.30 PM, so that's twelve hours over 8 weeks (from Tuesday, April 26th to Tuesday, June 14th.) If enough people agree to it, I may switch the course to Sunday nights.

* The cost of the course is €169, and if you're unemployed (you have one of the little carta things the Comunidad gives you), I'll take €30 off the price. Remember, as with all STOP SPANGLISH courses, all of your materials are included in the course. If you sign up with a friend, I'll also give each of you a €30 discount.

* Minimum number of participants is 3 and maximum is 6 - if I get three paid confirmations by April 25th, it's a go.

* If you'd like a week-by-week description of what the course offers, send me an e-mail and I'll send you a detailed course schedule.

I don't think that anyone should *have* to leave their jobs if they don't want to. But...if you're planning on leaving, you need to be prepared!!

What makes a successful learner of English?

I put that question to a group of Advanced level students two weeks ago. Here are the ideas that they came up with:

DO:

Watch movies, tv programs

Love English

Memorize grammatical structures

Submit themselves to the pressure

Connect with people

Take risks

Put themselves into English speaking environment

Tolerate ambiguity

Realize that not everyone learns the same way

Read!

ARE:

Motivated and know why

More concerned with correct English, not perfect English

(Thanks to Víctor, Paco, Miriam, Rosa and José Ignacio!)

Why it pays to be bilingual

An interesting infographic, courtesy of www.voxy.com:

Via: Voxy Blog

Attitude check

If you've ever thought that you're not smart enough to learn English well, read this.

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2011/03/accepting-false-limits.html

I fired a student on Wednesday.

No, maybe that's not exactly what I want to say.

Maybe I didn't fire her. But I did terminate our working relationship. And it's not the first time I've done it, either. Why?

I've been meaning to write this post for some time. One of my aims in starting this blog was to be honest about how teachers see the relationship between students of English and teachers of English here in Spain. And one thing I want to be totally honest about is how teachers feel about the way they're treated by students.

First, let me say that these things happen so infrequently that, if they weren't so damn aggravating, I wouldn't bring them up. Ninety-five percent of you do not behave like this; 95% of you are absolute dolls and I love you to death.

Second, I just want to speak in general terms. One of the reasons why I focus on teaching adults is that... well, we're adults. We should be able to communicate in reasonable, mature words, without being rude, insecure, uncommunicative or passive-aggressive towards each other. But there are certain things that students do that bug the hell out of me. I try to filter these things out from the start, and I won't just take anyone on as a student. (This is the reason why I'm trying to reduce the amount of teaching I do for academies: academies will take anyone with a pulse and a credit card, and it doesn't matter whether or not they're really interested in improving their English or not.)

So...again, in general terms, here are the five things that you can do if you want me to back out of our client-teacher relationship.

Cancel your classes all the time. Yes, everyone has days when they need to cancel classes because they're busy, they're travelling or they're sick. Once every two or three months is normal. Once a month is not unusual, if you have a demanding job. When you start cancelling your classes so often that I can't remember what you look like, or you only have classes once a month, you lose your classes. (That's why the ten-class bonos have a three-month time limit.) See, a cancelled class is income that is lost. Even if you pay for your classes in advance, that's time that I can't recover at a future date.

Don't talk. I know, I say this all the time. Seriously....if you could care less about talking, why are you interested in being an English speaker? (And don't give me the excuse of "oh, some people don't like talking." It's true: there are a lot of people who don't like talking because they feel that silence permits them to control the situation and keep them from making mistakes...and if the other person is made to feel weird or uncomfortable, well, that's her problem!)

Confuse English classes with confession, therapy sessions or career counselling. This is a tricky problem, because the whole idea of being able to communicate should mean being able to talk about personal experiences. Keep in mind, however, that my focus is on communication, not on any matters related to the mind, the soul or labor relations. My relationship with my (now ex-) student basically ended because the person in question is going through a severe depression which is undiagnosed and making this person's life a living hell. I don't have a problem with trying to help you with something that's bugging you, or with an issue that's come up that is driving you nuts. Six months of constant complaining, breakdowns, tears, and panic attacks means that you need the help of someone who is a LOT more qualified than I am. Especially when you....

Consistently tell me what you can't do, without focusing on what you CAN do. I understand what it's like to be afraid of learning a new skill and not feel like you're prepared to try something new. Not doing something does not make it easier. Complaining that you can't do something - ditto. If you're truly afraid of using language in a particular situation (like negotiations or giving presentations) - that's all right. Just be honest about it with me. You're not crazy if you're afraid of something, but you're a fool if you let it control your life and make your English classes unpleasant. NOT CONFRONTING A FEAR IS A CHOICE.

Treat me badly or in an unprofessional manner. I left this one for last because, I think, there are going to be a lot of teachers who have stories about this, but here's my list.

Don't ever, ever, ever, ever even think about:

- making me use the service entrance of your building (if you have one.)

- asking me to translate stuff for free. I don't work for free.

- bringing your infant son or daughter into the room where we're having classes to do potty. (I am NOT making that one up.)

- calling me after 11PM with a question. Send an e-mail.

- threatening me in any way, shape or form.

- blaming me for your lack of progress.

- asking me to reduce my prices. I am willing to negotiate lower prices if you're having more than six hours of class a week, but if you want to pay someone peanuts, call some other monkey.

In short, if you want to be treated like an adult, be prepared to treat me like one. I'm not an ogre and I'm not a witch, provided I'm treated with respect.

This wouldn't work on the FCE. But it's still fun.

"Complaints Choirs" are one of those odd bits of guiri humour that allow us to laugh at ourselves and relieve tension.

This video clip is a bit old, but it's kind of cute. It was created by AS IT HAPPENS, one of Canada's most popular public affairs radio shows, and it's easy to sing along to. (Just a bit of information: Stephen Harper is Canada's Prime Minister; Conrad Black is a media mogul who owns - or owned - newspapers around the world.)

Laugh and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yChwJyOL9vc&feature=youtu.be

Another reason to get working on your English...

...if you're not from an EU country, and need a visa to study in the United Kingdom, you won't be given one if your English isn't good enough.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2011/mar/22/number-foreign-students-to-be-cut

Now, in all fairness, they ARE allowing more people to go in on short-term visas to study English at academies, but if you want a university education and need to go for more than eleven months, you're going to have a harder time.

Sad but true.

The Communication Skills Course is back!!

Back by popular demand...
....the STOP SPANGLISH Communication Skills Course!!

º Does the thought of making small talk in English give you a headache?
º Are you tired of being afraid to speak in English?
º Not sure what grammar and vocabulary you should use in a particular situation?
º Do you want a safe place to practice your social English before your next conference, seminar or meeting?

Communication Skills is an intensive, two-day course that analyzes how we talk in social situations, the kinds of problems can can come up and how to avoid the discomfort and bad feelings that come from being afraid to talk.

Saturday:
Examine the differences between written and spoken English - and how they can help you
Practice the grammar that you need in social situations
Learn techniques that will help you in parties, conferences and receptions

Sunday:
Using the knowledge you gained on Saturday, we will practice ways of using your English to get what you want in social situations, like negotiations, disagreeing with people and trying to find solutions to difficult situations

PRICE: 199€
LOCATION: Metro Tirso de Molina
REGISTRATION CLOSES THURSDAY, 10 MARCH 2011!!
Want more information? Don't hesitate to send us a message at stop (dot) spanglish (at) yahoo (dot) com.

"WHEN WE WERE NEARLY YOUNG": Mavis Gallant's short story about Madrid

Canadian novelist Mavis Gallant has lived in Europe since the 1950s, and is famous for her ability to observe and provide incredible detail in her stories. In 1960, she turned her focus on Madrid, in a short story called "When We Were Nearly Young." This a very perceptive view of what "typical" Spanish people were like back then...

http://www.newyorker.com/online/2007/11/12/071112on_audio_nelson

Thanks to Middlebury College's Lena Santillana for this!

The power of context

Many times, when people learn English, they think about the big goals that they have: they want to get better jobs or maybe they want to move to another country. Sometimes, though, learning another language is useful because it helps you survive inside a context that isn't your own.

Here's the scene: it's 14:43 on a Saturday afternoon. The weather is really nice outside, which means that the bars and restaurants in my neighborhood are full of people.

If this were Canada, this bar would be twice as wide as it actually is, and the space would be big enough that people with kids, baby carriages and big backpacks could move freely throughout the bar without touching other people. In Canada, people try really hard not to touch people they don't know. We just don't do that. But I'm not in Canada; I'm in a very crowded bar in Malasaña, in Madrid, and beside me there is a small blonde woman with the very big purse. And that purse is ending up in my back more often than I would like.

This means that I have two options.

I can be Canadian about this and pretend that this is not happening. If I act Canadian, I have to pretend like neither the bag nor the woman are there, that the bar is not crowded and that everything is tolerable.

After spending over ten years in Madrid, however, I know that being Canadian in a Spanish city is...well...it's worse than useless.

"Excuse me," I say. She doesn't respond."

"/eI/!!" I shout.

One sound, one syllable, not really a word but delivered at high enough volume and pitch to let her know that if that bag ends up in my kidneys again, something nasty is going to happen.

She turns around and looks at me as if I'm crazy. I stick my right eyebrow up and stare her right in the eyes.

This is the power of context that makes language learning so important. If all you do is think about what individual words mean -- and not what the words can do -- you're never going to learn to really manage a language enough to get what you want. And that's why we, as human beings, have language. Language gets us what we want.

We assume that "getting what you want" has to be something big and important, but those big, important goals might not be realistic for most of us. For most of us, we just want the small things, even if it's as something as small as not being uncomfortable in a bar.

Corrected

Teachers correct students because, well, it's our job. The truth is that we correct you students for a lot of reasons. We have to do it because you need to know when you're doing something which could make you look stupid or prevent people from understanding you.

We don't correct you to humiliate you. We don't correct you to make you feel bad about your English; if we keep correcting you about a mistake you continue to make in class, that's a sign that you need to start paying attention to that word or structure and change what you're doing.

We don't correct you to start a fight. Of course, if you want a fight, I'll give you one:
"That's not how you say that in English."
"But we're not in England!" And you get a smug look on your face because you think you've made yourself look smart at my expense.
And that's when I say something that's really bad in Spanish and ask you, Can I say that? Do you understand what I mean when I say that? Because I know that I can't say that. What do you gain by doing something that you know is wrong?

You pay me to be honest with you. You pay me to give you quality service that is meant to help you improve. Not telling you when you make a mistake isn't just bad service: it's dishonest. It's counterproductive. It's unethical.

I understand that being corrected can be frustrating and, at times, embarrassing. That's why I don't correct every single thing you do wrong. But please, if there's something wrong, pay attention to what we're saying. If you choose to ignore what I tell you, one of two things is going to happen: either you're going to get bored of hearing the same corrections over and over again, and you'll quit; or you'll just stop talking, rather than using the tools you get in class.

It's your choice. I can't choose not to correct you, though. That's not my job.

Participle adjectives: One easy rule

Here's one easy rule that will help you remember the difference between past participle adjectives (bored, relaxed, satisfied) and present participle adjectives (encouraging, falling, irritating):

PAST PARTICIPLE ADJECTIVES are common when you talk about the way you prepare food:
fried fish, a chopped liver sandwich, roasted chicken, baked apples, sautéed mushrooms, Cajun-style blackened trout, stuffed eggplant, poached eggs, percolated coffee, well-steeped tea.

PRESENT PARTICIPLE ADJECTIVES are common when talk about functions or qualities:
working-class children, baking dish, hiking boots, biting sarcasm, sleeping bags, swimming suits.

These are shorter ways of providing defining relative clauses:
trout that has been blackened using a Cajun style
apples that have been baked
a sandwich made of liver that has been chopped
boots that are used for hiking
bags which are meant for sleeping
dishes which are used for baking food.

How bad is it if you DON'T learn English....really?

It's not a disaster if you don't learn.

Spaniards put themselves under a lot of pressure to master English. Why this is, I don't know. It's not like they speak a language that is useless beyond its borders. It's not like there's so much trade between Spain and English-speaking countries – companies from English-speaking countries do not dominate employment in this country.

There is a lot of embarrassment and fear about being left behind.

There's a lot of jealousy directed towards people who have mastered English. Worse, there's a lot of resentment towards people who make an effort to improve their English. Why this is, I don't know. But it's sad to see it happen.

I don't want anyone to think that they're totally incapable of learning English. (Spanish students of English say this a lot, but I have yet to meet someone who shows it's true.) But being able to do something, and having the time, the determination and the interest in doing something well are different things.

If you decide to learn something, and you say that you're doing it to improve your future, remember that you basically enter into a contract with two people: yourself, and the teacher. The teacher's responsibility is to create a positive, educational environment that helps you get you where you want to go, literally and/or figuratively.

It's YOUR responsibility to do what you can to make sure that happens.

And if it doesn't happen, and you don't learn to speak English perfectly...ask yourself this: What, exactly, have you lost? You can probably still communicate fairly well. If you had to go to London tomorrow, you'd probably do all right in the airport and at the hotel and in a restaurant. So what if you'll never be able to negotiate a multi-million dollar deal, or act in an Oscar-winning movie, or any of that stuff? Do you want to commit to the amount of work and study and practice that a person needs to be able to do that effectively?

Trust me...there's no shame in answering "no." Unless you're marrying someone who speaks English, unless you're going to work for an American company or you're moving to an English-speaking country, "good" is good enough.

The teacher still has a lot to learn.

I try not to say that I know everything. A lot of times, I don't. And there are a lot of times when I really, honestly feel that I will never, ever, know everything.

I have a student who hates grammar. I don't think that "hate" is too strong a word, here. This is a problem in classes, obviously, because grammar forms a big part of commmunication: if you don't have the structure, it's very difficult to communicate well.

I just found out why this person hates grammar. As a kid, this person was taught by priests who would physically abuse the students when the students made mistakes. From what the student told me, humiliation made up a big part of classroom time; students were not given any kind of positive feedback or encouragement while they were in class. They just tried NOT to get beaten up while they were learning. Thirty years later, grammar still means humiliation, still means revealing how stupid you are....

How can you fix something like that?

How much is the teacher RESPONSIBLE for fixing things like that?

We have come to an agreement that we will focus on vocabulary and expressions for the next little while. Vocabulary is safe, it's not risky or dangerous. I know that this is not effective teaching, but there are times when being a teacher is less important than being a facilitator and coach.

Part of me thinks: This is not my problem. But it is my problem. I have an unspoken contract to help this person as much as I can, and if grammar is not helping, well, it'll just have to wait for now.

Oh, Spain...if only you guys had gone through the 1960s and had the benefit of educational psychology...we wouldn't be dealing with the scars, forty years on...

In the meantime: vocabulary, and lots of it. Let's see if that helps.

One for the football fans:

Sorry to have been silent so long, guys! Things have been busy around here while we prepare for the communication skills course this weekend and next weekend. In the meantime, here's one for you Barcelona FC fans...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2011/feb/16/pep-guardiola-barcelona-arsenal

It's not you, it's me. Uhh....No. Wait. It really IS you, after all.

Teachers are normal people, most of the time. We laugh, we cry, we have good days, we have horrid days. Generally speaking, if you're working with human beings, you have to be able to accept that people are going to behave like people. And sometimes, being humans, they have human ways of dealing with problems. Or not dealing with them.

I just had class with a student who I'll call Oxford. Oxford is a very successful lawyer who's had senior positions in the Spanish government. Oxford has a hell of a time with English, however - it takes forever to get sentences out, there are a lot of problems with vocabulary, and I do wonder about Oxford's ability to handle information. For the past two years, Oxford has had conversation classes, but it never occurred to me to ask Oxford why the classes had to focus on conversation and nothing else.

I think I learned the reason why today.

Since Oxford is setting up a lot of meetings, I thought, OK, maybe a lesson on taking notes and manipulating written information would be a good idea. No way. At first, Oxford didn't resist directly; Oxford asked a lot of questions and didn't quite get the idea behind reading a text and condensing information into notes. It was as if my questions were bouncing off Oxford at every angle, like a basketball that has too much air in it - you could get close to the net, but not in it.

It turns out that Oxford doesn't read. I don't really know the reason why. When reading the newspaper, for example, Oxford claims to scan for the most important words, but once Oxford more or less understands the article, that's it. The newspaper goes in the garbage.

Okaaaay...what about law school? Or laws? Or legal briefs?

Same thing.

(Pause.)

Okaaaaayyyyy....

So we have fifty minutes left of class, and the class has just hit the wall. Oxford cannot or does not want to do the exercise - I'm still not sure why. But then it occurs to me: Maybe Oxford has some kind of reading disability or dyslexia or something. The best thing would be to ask Oxford what's going on, but that's not a good idea: Oxford keeps getting more and more agitated.

Boom. The exercise goes in the garbage.

Next plan: Listening. I decide to improvise a listening exercise from something we did the other day, but there's a problem: the academy has lost the CDs for that textbook. All right. Oxford wants conversation? That's what we'll do, then. This would be a good plan, except that Oxford is now in such a bad mood, conversation becomes a one-sided, somewhat understandable monologue about steel, Chinese manufacturing, how evil Coca-Cola is...you get the idea.

So what do you do in those situations? The same thing, I imagine, that parents do when their kids have tantrums. I just sat there, nodded, tried not to look at the watch too often, asked questions slowly, and tried to understand Oxford as best I could. At the same time, however, I kept thinking, Where is this coming from? Why is this student behaving like this?

The reason why is probably irrelevant. But when you first start teaching, it's really, really, really hard to realize that, just like us, students are going to have horrible days. Students are going to react badly if they feel they're being attacked. Students will get frustrated if they don't see why an exercise is important, and when a student explodes, sometimes the best thing to do is to try to be sympathetic and not pass judgment.

I don't know if Oxford will ever make progress; in some ways, that doesn't matter. Oxford still attends classes, and that's the most important thing. The second most important thing is that we, as teachers, do not think that you are crazy or weird or unstable or nuts because you have days like that. We all have days like that.

"Some days, you're the windscreen; some days, you're the bug." -- Mark Knopfler

"BAD" marketing!

You know how I'm always complaining that people shouldn't use words like "good" or "bad" to describe things? Here's another example: this isn't bad marketing - it's sloppy and careless.

This ad was taken from this morning's edition of EL PAÍS. It's an ad for women's intimate care products. My Webster's Dictionary defines "chilly" as: "unpleasantly affected by cold" and "lacking warmth and feeling."

Not to be rude, but I really wouldn't want something lacking warmth and feeling in my, er, girly bits.

You have to see them to believe them....

I have no idea how many native English speakers actually live in Madrid. There should be enough native English speakers that SOMEBODY could have prevented these mistakes from happening.

Some thoughts about being afraid....

Lourdes and I went to see "The King's Speech" last night. If you've got any doubts about seeing it, please, do - it's wonderful. One of the best parts of the film is watching Bertie (Colin Firth) struggle against his conviction that he will never, ever, stop stammering. There he is, the man who was about to become the King of England, and he's absolutely paralyzed by the fear that his throat and mouth will stop working and he won't be able to express himself.

As the movie progresses, however, you see that isn't the case. When he's relaxed and isn't focused on his fear, he communicates quite well. But the minute fear starts taking over his brain, he's a disaster. He remains completely convinced that he's going to mess things up, and, sure enough, he does!

Sports people call this "choking". You're playing well, you're doing a really good job - but then something happens that brings in that moment of doubt, that feeling that maybe you're not good enough, and BLAM! Everything comes apart. I'm not going to name any names, but we've all seen it: in tennis matches, in football matches, in (ummm, ehem...) under-23 international ice hockey championships playing against the Russians...you're winning, you're doing well, but ten or twenty minutes later, those doubts have started to control your brain, and you're dead.

How do you fight it? Don't allow yourself to be fixated on failure.

Imagine yourself in a moment where you're speaking English fluently and without being self-aware. You're relaxed, you're doing well. If you can visualize it, you can do it.

Kill your inner editor. Everyone has a voice from the past that tells them, "You're no good. You don't know anything. You're a failure." Now, imagine yourself telling that person to shut up. Imagine yourself asking that person, "How do you know? Why should YOUR failure influence me?" Inner editors are very powerful. They're also irrelevant and totally useless. Keeping your inner editor will never help you, but getting rid of that person is extremely satisfying.

Be fair to yourself. It's easy to focus on what you didn't do well or mistakes that you made. How many times do you congratulate yourself on doing things well? How many times have you focused on your successes, rather than your failures? Replace your inner editor with your inner grandmother:

The teacher said you did a great job with the role play on Monday's class!
You got an 80% on the last test - that's 10% better than you did last time!
You used those new phrasal verbs properly!
The guy from London said that your English sounded a lot better on the phone!

It doesn't matter if these things would sound stupid to someone else. They're not for someone else - they're for you and for you only.

It's just like the sports coaches say: Attitude gives you altitude. The most important muscle you have is the muscle that is located between your ears.

"Really, the greatest fear is fear itself." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are powerless. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

Don't be THIS student.

Whose fault is it if you don't learn English?

Do you feel that your lack of progress is due to a bad teacher, a stupid teacher, a lazy teacher or an inefficient teacher?

Classroom interaction goes both ways. You can have the best teacher in the world, but if you're not responsible for your own learning, you're going to have problems. People always talk about different kinds of bad teachers...now it's my turn to talk about "bad" students.

After twelve years in the classroom, it's fairly easy to identify the students who won't make progress. Or, worse, the students who won't make progress, and say that it's TOTALLY the teacher's fault.

#1: THE LUMP. Maybe it's not fair to start with The Lump, but I will anyway, because I think that if all The Lumps were taken out of classes, life would be a lot easier for everyone. Somehow, The Lump always manages to be someone with a lot of money. The Lump never talks. Never. "You're the teacher; you is the one who is paid to talk. English class was not my idea; the Human Resources department needs to use up its budget this year and I was the only one who didn't participate in the regular classes. Besides, I don't need English. I have done the Proficiency exam since ten years ago and my English is good." And that's all you hear from The Lump: The Lump then sits with her arms crossed over her chest, staring at you like you came from Mars. The Lump will happily sit there for forty hours in that position! (Don't laugh. It's happened.)

#2: MR./MRS. PANIC. "Yes? Hello? I'm calling to find out about English classes for my son/daughter. My son/daughter is writing the TOEFL/IELTS/PTE/First/Advanced/Proficiency/BULATS the day after tomorrow and needs help with the exam. [Pause.] No, this is the first time s/he has written the exam. [Pause.] No, s/he doesn't have a textbook to help him/her study. [Pause.] No, s/he doesn't attend an English school. [Pause.] No, s/he doesn't have English classes outside of class. [Pause.] Eighty Euros an hour? Can't bring the price down a little bit?"

I always have this conversation with mothers, not with fathers. I think fathers would probably kill their kids for leaving exam preparation until the last minute, which kids almost always do. And no mother has ever paid €80 an hour for English classes...because mothers are smart! Mothers realize that English teachers are teachers...they're not miracle workers!!


#3: THE PATIENT. "Ohhh, my head hurts so much. I think I have the flu. Now, don't forget that you have to correct me on everything that I say wrong. You never correct me when I say thinks wrong. That's what I said, thinks! This cold is just so awful. I just got a cold and now I'm getting another cold. And I'm so tired! I don't know how you English teachers work so hard! Everyone is very so sick these days...no, that's what I said, so very sick...oh, I think I need an aspirin. And it's so cold in here!"

#4. THE NAG: "What do you mean, you don't have extra photocopies from that class we did six months ago? Why aren't you listening to my problems? Why are you so tired? It's not my fault that you've already taught for nine hours today! Sorry, excuse me? Where's my homework? What do you mean, homework? I'm an important person! I have no time for homework! I have an important job and I have children and it takes me an hour to drive here every morning, and I don't have time for anything silly like homework! Homework is for idiots! I pay you to put English in my head, not to give me homework! Now pay attention to ME!"

#5. THE LEGO LANGUAGE EXPERT. "For me, learning English is very ok, but, oh! Why no is more like Spanish? Why not can I take my Spanish words and only translate them directly into English and put them where always I put Spanish words. Is not fair!!" (This person has probably been trying to learn English for, oh, twenty years or so.)

To be fair, we all have days like this. But if you find that your inner dialogue starts sounding like this all the time, you will find that you'll make more progress if you change the way you think about learning.