(From 2008:) The Door, Neo...

Looking back on my personal Facebook stuff, I just found this, and thought it might be interesting to share:

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- So you're saying that my English is terrible and that I'm not going to pass.
- I did not say that. You are unfairly manipulating my words.

He looks at the photocopied page of vocabulary suggestions, some of which he might well use. On the back of the page, there's the transcription of the recording of what he produced on Tuesday afternoon. It is a mangled mishmash of sentence fragments, badly conjugated verbs - the whole lot.

- All I'm saying is that if you do what you've been doing, you're going to get what you've always had and things are not going to change.
- I don't agree.

Well, he wouldn't, wouldn't he? As an upper-middle-class twenty-something, he considers it his right to take four weeks of holiday in August and ignore a relatively simple speaking exam task for the better part of three months, then go back home, raising all kinds of hue and cry and phoning every English teacher in SEGUNDAMANO, because he's worried that he just might fail. Again.

No, I shouldn't say that he's worried. He knows he is going to totally fail this exam. When I shake the wet filet of hand that he offers, the two fingers and section of palm that he offers as a matter of courtesy and little else, it is so drenched with cold sweat (and it's almost 30ºC outside) that I half expect his eyes to roll back in his head and his knees to give out, and for him to flop backwards like a clueless Broadway ingenue. Cold sweat. It's still summer outside and he's wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Our poor boy knows he's going down for the third time. And that's not an exaggeration. There are no fourth chances at the Escuela Oficial. Which means that, from here on in, it's Cambridge First Certificate at €179 a pop. And he's confessed to failing that four times.

- I think that the best thing is that I need to find another teacher to take class with. This, in English.
- I think that's an excellent idea.

He doesn't want a teacher. He wants someone to pat him on the head and stroke his cheek and tell him that everything is going to be okay. He wants a cheerleader, a nanny.

He offers to give me back the sheet. Thanks, but I already speak the language almost comes out, but I cut it at:

- Thanks, I still have the originals at home.

What does he expect me to say? THAT's what I don't understand at all. Does he, in all seriousness, expect me to go on endlessly about his linguistic ability? Does he want me to lie like a rug and tell him everything's gonna be all right?

We walk back along Avenida de Badajoz and he keeps his space so much that he walks out into traffic rather than walk behind the bus shelter with me.

- You ever seen "The Matrix"?
- ¿El qué?
- The Matrix.
- ¿El Mundo?
- No. Matrix. La peli con Laurence Fishburne, Keanu Reeves....
- Pues sí, hombre.
- ¿Te acuerdas de lo que dijo Morfeo cuando Neo se planteó abandonar el mundo para entrar al Matrix? (No answer.) Te puedo mostrar el puerto, Neo....

He offers his hand and a perfunctory, slimy handshake, and slouches off.

New for 2011-2012...

The Tour de France finishes today, which means that the summer is almost over. And since the summer is almost over, that means that the school year's almost here, which means that teachers have to start planning and preparing for September. (Yeah, I know... depressing, isn't it?)

There are a couple of changes that I need to inform students about, so if you're going to be returning to class this fall, or would like to start classes this year, here's what you need to know.

a) Prices: Starting from September, the prices for classes are:

Classes via Skype: €19 per session.

Face-to-Face Classes: €22 per hour if we do them at Stop Spanglish.

Face-to-Face at Your Place:€27 per hour, minimum 90 minutes.

(If you sign up for Skype classes before August 25th, the price still stays at €15, but goes up in September.)

b) To make sure we all understand the same things about HOW we do the classes, Mar has graciously helped me create a Terms of Service agreement that every student will be required to sign before we start classes. Don't panic. It's basically a list of things that I owe you as a teacher and guidelines of how we're going to do business together. When you start classes and begin your training plan, you'll get a copy of this, personalized for you.

As always, if you have any questions, let me know!

What the academies don't want you to know

Like a lot of teachers, I advertise on the Internet. It's not the most efficient way to find students, but given that it's fairly passive (you do it once and then it's OK), it's another way of advertising. And I think that, generally, I'm pretty good about being professional about contacts. I try to contact people in a respectful way. I try to be respectful when people contact me. But there are some contacts that make me shake my head.

I'm sure that the academy that contacted me thought that €16 an hour is a good deal. And if you've got block hours and very little travelling, sure. It sounds like a lot of money. But I'm about to reveal three bits of information that language academies do not want you to know. I'm not writing this to cause trouble, but I think that if you decide to sign up for academy classes, there are some things you should be aware of.

a) You do not need to be a certified language teacher to be an English teacher in Spain. Why not? Because, technically, private language teaching does NOT come under the control of the Ministry of Education: state schools, such as the Escuelas de Idiomas, yes; Bob's Language Academy, no.

English academies come under the control of the Ministry of Consumer Affairs, just as driving schools or dance classes do. In fact, you probably don't even have to be a language teacher IN Spain: more than one academy uses telephone language classes that are done with phone operators in the Philippines. (Or used to, anyway.)

Outstanding language academies will demand that their teachers have some kind of teaching certification (a TEFL/CELTA/Trinity/DELTA accreditation) and some kind of experience. Many others will offer €9 to €13 an hour to backpackers, American university students (who can work up to twenty hours a week to support their studies), which means that "teachers" are making less than a cashier at the local Dia, and probably be as qualified to do it.

b) Working for an academy is very similar to being a prostitute. Yes, that sounds harsh. But think about it: if that academy offers a teacher €16 an hour, they're not charging clients €16 an hour. The client is probably being charged €30 to €35 an hour, and the teacher only sees half the money, even though the teacher does most of the work. (That's exactly the same way that ETTs work.) That €16 an hour does NOT include travel time, by the way. If I'm being paid €16 an hour, my class lasts for one hour, but the class is at the airport and I don't get paid for my travel time, that's basically a THREE HOUR commitment for one hour, which means that I'm getting just over €5 an hour. Would YOU work for €5 an hour? I didn't think so.

c) Your needs as a learner will never be as important as the academy's need to be profitable. How many times have you gone to a language academy and had classes that had NOTHING to do with the English you need? That's because the academies need to pay for those nice, shiny offices and expensive books, and the easiest way to do that is to get as many students into the same class as possible - whether they are working at the same level, or not. Reputable academies will try to help students as much as possible, and there are certainly schools like the British Council that are cultural agencies, as well as academies, so they're not as driven by profit. Many schools, however, will not start a class unless they have three or four students, minimum - especially now that we're in a recession and they're losing a lot of money.

Let me make one thing clear: I work for academies, have worked for academies and will probably work for academies in the future. Not all academies are bad. Not all academies are out to take all your money and give you nothing in return. If you choose to learn with an academy, you need to be a smart consumer and defend your rights, and stand up for what you want.

And remember that academies are NOT your only option. There are a lot of friendly, smart, professional teachers who can help you. It won't be as cheap as paying €200 per year, but you'll be happier with the results.

Bad teacher!

This ad is so...bad...on so many levels, it almost doesn't bear thinking about:

http://tinyurl.com/5uhuzbr

If you're not sure what I mean, take a look at the various meanings of "oral" in an English-only dictionary.

Somehow I don't think this guy's ad has anything to do with language.

I fired a student on Wednesday.

No, maybe that's not exactly what I want to say.

Maybe I didn't fire her. But I did terminate our working relationship. And it's not the first time I've done it, either. Why?

I've been meaning to write this post for some time. One of my aims in starting this blog was to be honest about how teachers see the relationship between students of English and teachers of English here in Spain. And one thing I want to be totally honest about is how teachers feel about the way they're treated by students.

First, let me say that these things happen so infrequently that, if they weren't so damn aggravating, I wouldn't bring them up. Ninety-five percent of you do not behave like this; 95% of you are absolute dolls and I love you to death.

Second, I just want to speak in general terms. One of the reasons why I focus on teaching adults is that... well, we're adults. We should be able to communicate in reasonable, mature words, without being rude, insecure, uncommunicative or passive-aggressive towards each other. But there are certain things that students do that bug the hell out of me. I try to filter these things out from the start, and I won't just take anyone on as a student. (This is the reason why I'm trying to reduce the amount of teaching I do for academies: academies will take anyone with a pulse and a credit card, and it doesn't matter whether or not they're really interested in improving their English or not.)

So...again, in general terms, here are the five things that you can do if you want me to back out of our client-teacher relationship.

Cancel your classes all the time. Yes, everyone has days when they need to cancel classes because they're busy, they're travelling or they're sick. Once every two or three months is normal. Once a month is not unusual, if you have a demanding job. When you start cancelling your classes so often that I can't remember what you look like, or you only have classes once a month, you lose your classes. (That's why the ten-class bonos have a three-month time limit.) See, a cancelled class is income that is lost. Even if you pay for your classes in advance, that's time that I can't recover at a future date.

Don't talk. I know, I say this all the time. Seriously....if you could care less about talking, why are you interested in being an English speaker? (And don't give me the excuse of "oh, some people don't like talking." It's true: there are a lot of people who don't like talking because they feel that silence permits them to control the situation and keep them from making mistakes...and if the other person is made to feel weird or uncomfortable, well, that's her problem!)

Confuse English classes with confession, therapy sessions or career counselling. This is a tricky problem, because the whole idea of being able to communicate should mean being able to talk about personal experiences. Keep in mind, however, that my focus is on communication, not on any matters related to the mind, the soul or labor relations. My relationship with my (now ex-) student basically ended because the person in question is going through a severe depression which is undiagnosed and making this person's life a living hell. I don't have a problem with trying to help you with something that's bugging you, or with an issue that's come up that is driving you nuts. Six months of constant complaining, breakdowns, tears, and panic attacks means that you need the help of someone who is a LOT more qualified than I am. Especially when you....

Consistently tell me what you can't do, without focusing on what you CAN do. I understand what it's like to be afraid of learning a new skill and not feel like you're prepared to try something new. Not doing something does not make it easier. Complaining that you can't do something - ditto. If you're truly afraid of using language in a particular situation (like negotiations or giving presentations) - that's all right. Just be honest about it with me. You're not crazy if you're afraid of something, but you're a fool if you let it control your life and make your English classes unpleasant. NOT CONFRONTING A FEAR IS A CHOICE.

Treat me badly or in an unprofessional manner. I left this one for last because, I think, there are going to be a lot of teachers who have stories about this, but here's my list.

Don't ever, ever, ever, ever even think about:

- making me use the service entrance of your building (if you have one.)

- asking me to translate stuff for free. I don't work for free.

- bringing your infant son or daughter into the room where we're having classes to do potty. (I am NOT making that one up.)

- calling me after 11PM with a question. Send an e-mail.

- threatening me in any way, shape or form.

- blaming me for your lack of progress.

- asking me to reduce my prices. I am willing to negotiate lower prices if you're having more than six hours of class a week, but if you want to pay someone peanuts, call some other monkey.

In short, if you want to be treated like an adult, be prepared to treat me like one. I'm not an ogre and I'm not a witch, provided I'm treated with respect.

Corrected

Teachers correct students because, well, it's our job. The truth is that we correct you students for a lot of reasons. We have to do it because you need to know when you're doing something which could make you look stupid or prevent people from understanding you.

We don't correct you to humiliate you. We don't correct you to make you feel bad about your English; if we keep correcting you about a mistake you continue to make in class, that's a sign that you need to start paying attention to that word or structure and change what you're doing.

We don't correct you to start a fight. Of course, if you want a fight, I'll give you one:
"That's not how you say that in English."
"But we're not in England!" And you get a smug look on your face because you think you've made yourself look smart at my expense.
And that's when I say something that's really bad in Spanish and ask you, Can I say that? Do you understand what I mean when I say that? Because I know that I can't say that. What do you gain by doing something that you know is wrong?

You pay me to be honest with you. You pay me to give you quality service that is meant to help you improve. Not telling you when you make a mistake isn't just bad service: it's dishonest. It's counterproductive. It's unethical.

I understand that being corrected can be frustrating and, at times, embarrassing. That's why I don't correct every single thing you do wrong. But please, if there's something wrong, pay attention to what we're saying. If you choose to ignore what I tell you, one of two things is going to happen: either you're going to get bored of hearing the same corrections over and over again, and you'll quit; or you'll just stop talking, rather than using the tools you get in class.

It's your choice. I can't choose not to correct you, though. That's not my job.

Just because you can...

doesn't mean you should.

One of the reasons why I created this blog was because I wanted to give students a source of information on how to improve their English. What isn't obvious, however, is that improving your English means having a good relationship with your teacher. To have a good relationship with your teacher, it's important to get off on the right foot (=to start well/badly) with that person. (I've touched on this topic before on the blog: http://tinyurl.com/2upr77v)

Here's how you can get off on the wrong foot with a new teacher, and guarantee that you'll be looking for someone new very quickly.

S. calls me on Wednesday and doesn't leave a message. Normally, I don't call people back if they can't be bothered to leave a message, but, for some reason, I do. When we start speaking, it becomes obvious that he doesn't like speaking, so I try to find out as much information as I can. It isn't much. He wants to speak in English. (Don't we all?) We agree to meet the next day to talk about I can help him.

So the next day, I run out of a class to meet S. on the other side of the city. The conversation lasts about ten minutes, and I don't get much more information out of him. He's in a university course that is very grammar- and vocabulary-intensive, but they don't get a lot of chances to speak. OK, I say, so why do you want to hire a teacher? There are a lot of different ways to practice your English for free.... arrange an intercambio or go to a pub night. (The guy is a university student, after all. I'm assuming he's seen the inside of a pub or two in his life.) Shrug. Not sure. I'm not getting a good feeling about this. We arrange to meet the next day for an hour and a half of class.

It turns out that the hour and a half we were supposed to have at lunchtime becomes thirty minutes before dinner. It was painful. I go to his university residence, because he doesn't want to come to the office, and when I get to the (all-male) residence, I have to wait ten minutes for him to come down to get me.

Then he insists on taking me up to his dormitory room, which was disastrous: Clothes all over the place, notebooks, padel ball racquet - and the smell. Oh, dear readers....that smell. If you could put that essence of "teenage boy" odor in a bottle, you could use it as a repellent for small animals. (There were teaching rooms available in the residence, but he didn't want to take one in case someone needed it. It must be a very demanding university, indeed, if they expect a bunch of twenty-something young men to attend classes at 7:20 PM on a Friday night.) I'm not sure which was more difficult, frankly - trying to teach while only breathing in and out of my mouth, or trying to pin S. down to a regular schedule and get some information out of him.

In the end, I'm guessing that S. probably will not have class this coming Friday, either. Students who don't have a clear idea of what they want to do usually don't keep up with classes, and it seems a waste of time to hire someone just because you want to talk.

Please remember that finding a teacher is a lot like finding a husband or a wife. If you want to have a productive, healthy, long-lasting relationship that helps you grow and get better, first impressions are important.

If you're looking for a private teacher....

So here we are, in the middle of August. Within the next few days, as people start returning from holidays, many potential English students are going to start looking for English classes. A lot of people will choose to attend classes in an academy. Many will start looking for private English teachers, either for work or for fun. In most cases, the relationship between teachers and students will generally be pretty positive.

That said, every year, there are cases where one side, or the other, ends up disappointed. A lack of communication can prevent students from getting the help they need, and it can also prevent teachers from really understanding how they can work effectively with their students.

I'm not going to say that I'm an expert on student-teacher relationships. I have, however, taught for twelve years in different countries, and I hope that the information I can offer you will help you find and work with the teacher who's best for you.

THOUGHTS FOR STUDENTS:

Be honest with yourself before you're honest with your teacher. If you're going to hire a private teacher, be aware that you are helping provide someone with a salary. Who are the students who give up after three weeks? They're the students who do not have a clear idea of what they want to accomplish, or what they want to do, BEFORE the class.

Sit down with yourself for an hour and ask yourself the following questions:
- What are the things I currently do with my level of English?
-What are the things I cannot do, but either need or want to do?
- What are the things I need to do to bring my level up?
- How much time per week -- in AND out of class - am I willing to dedicate to working on my English? (Remember that, for every hour you spend in class, you need to spend an hour practising and working on your skills.)
- Do I really need English for my job, or do I say that because I think everyone else expects me to have English skills?
- What are the fun things that I can do that will keep me interested in English?

If you cannot answer those questions, please think twice before you contact a private teacher. Classes in a group situation in an academy may be a better option, because it's sometimes more fun to learn with other people than to learn alone.

Don't be cheap. If you want to have classes with a teacher but you think the teacher is too expensive, it's acceptable to negotiate. It is NOT acceptable to send the teacher insulting e-mails or to ask for the price of classes to be cut by half. You wouldn't ask your lawyer to lower his fees. You wouldn't ask your accountant to lower her fees. You wouldn't ask your dentist to lower his fees. It's not acceptable to do that with a teacher. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but if you cannot afford a teacher's fees...look somewhere else for a different teacher.

One side note to that: If you're employed full-time want to take private English classes, and you're worried about the cost, ask your Human Resources department if the company has a student payment program. A surprising number of companies in Spain DO reimburse employees (=pay them back) for part of the cost of classes; they usually do this if the teacher is an autónomo and can issue invoices. It doesn't hurt to ask your company if they do this; and, if it's not company policy, ask your boss(es) to consider doing it. (Remind them that reimbursing is a LOT less expensive than hiring a company to give in-house classes.)

Remember that the teacher is trying to create lessons and tasks to help you improve. (What I basically mean is: Learn to follow instructions.) If I give you a writing task, I don't want you to spend half an hour telling me the answer. If I give you a grammar exercise that asks you to write the answer in complete sentences, don't give me two or three words. You may think that it's boring to do all that work, but that work is what makes you get better. Please do the work as it's presented to you, not as you think that you want to do it. I can't tell the difference between a student who doesn't understand a task and a student who simply doesn't feel like doing the work.

If you want to terminate your relationship with your teacher, be honest about it. Don't disappear. Attend your classes and let us know at the earliest moment if you can't attend. If you have a personal issue, like illness or family or money problems, be honest about it. Don't cancel eight classes in a row and then expect your teacher to help you four months later. Don't "forget" to pay your teacher for a month and expect the teacher not to notice.

THOUGHTS FOR TEACHERS:

Learning a language is scary. If you've never done it before, you should try it; it can be enriching and humbling at the same time. We have more credibility as teachers if we've been there before ourselves.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't work for less money than you think you rightly deserve. If the student doesn't want to pay what you're asking, let him or her find someone else. If you have a specialized skill that you think would be useful for students, for God's sake, make sure they know it. Market yourself well -- that includes presenting a professional images, preparing classes well, and knowing how to say you're sorry if something doesn't go right.

Each one teaches one. This is just a personal opinion, but I think the best classes I have are the ones where I learn just as much as the student does.

There is no finite pot of riches. And what I mean by that is that, professionally, you have little to lose and a lot more to gain if you help other teachers and work with them. Business guru Suze Orman likes to say that generosity pays off in ways you could never imagine; be kind and generous and you'll get back more than what you gave. If you have teacher friends who are on Twitter, follow them and retweet their posts. If you need that couple of days off, offer your classes to a buddy (trust me, I have never seen a case of one teacher stealing another's student - students are not credit cards or Bic pens.) Like the song says, you get what you give.

These are just my thoughts. Please feel free to share yours.

Juan Francisco's guide to learning English

Hello everybody. I’m Juan, a Spanish speaker of English, in fact, the perfect model of a Spanish learner of English.

Patri has given me the opportunity to write in her fantastic blog about what the habits are that, in my opinion, successful English students have or should have to learn a foreign language like English. A foreign language that, of course, is really difficult to internalize because, among other circumstances, has a Germanic base so different of Spanish’s Latin origins...

You can read Juan Francisco's entire article here:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/35766798

A request from the teacher...

I have a pair of students (a couple, really) who I have been teaching since the beginning of June. Truth is, I don't know whether I should use the present perfect continuous (have been teaching) or past simple (taught) to describe my relationship with them. We were supposed to start class again last Tuesday, but they wrote me an SMS to say that they were out of town and wouldn't be able to start again until today.

So, at 7:30 AM today, I sent them another SMS, asking them again if we were starting class today. I didn't get any response. I called them just after 12 noon, to find out what the story was. "Oh, sorry!" he said. "We're out of town for a couple of days, but we'd like to start again next Tuesday, at 3PM, like normal. Would that be possible?"

Folks, if I can only share one piece of advice with you, let it be this: Be HONEST. If you don't want to continue with your teacher, tell your teacher that you don't want to continue. All you have to do is tell the truth. You won't hurt our feelings, believe me; most of us have been teaching long enough that we will not take it personally if you a) don't have enough money for classes or b) think that we are awful teachers and you want to go somewhere else.

Remember that most teachers do not get paid for classes they do not have. This is how we earn our living and pay our rent. It makes it very difficult for us when students cancel classes randomly! This is why we start insisting on being paid for ten or twenty classes in advance - I know those are policies that students don't like, but your teacher is making a commitment to you when he or she agrees to teach you, and part of that commitment involves knowing that your student will be reliable, too.

If there's something you don't like about the way your teacher teaches, or you think that you should be learning something different or doing things in a different way, be sure your teachers knows. A good teacher should not get angry if you ask for what you want. Any teacher will get very angry if a student disappears or starts acting weird.

I welcome your thoughts and your ideas....