How NOT to learn English at home!

EngVid is an online video service that provides students with English instruction...and lots of help on how NOT to learn English. If you only watch one video today, make it this one.

A new way of giving classes

Those of you who have been looking for an English teacher have probably noticed a new trend: fewer teachers are doing face-to-face classes, and more are offering classes via Skype (or VOIP - voice over Internet protocol.)

Why? Well, there are several reasons.

For me, the most interesting thing about Skype classes is that I'm not losing time by being on the Metro. I like being out of the house and seeing new neighborhoods. Last year, however, I calculated that I was spending more time on public transit than I was in the classroom, which means that if you're on a bus or a train, you're not making money.

That sounds bad, I know, but think of it this way: If you do 30 hours of class in a week, which means that you have to spend 30 hours travelling around the city, that means you spend 60 hours working, not 30, and that cuts your money by 50%. That means that there are two ways you can compensate for that loss. You can start charging students more money to go to their houses (which isn't fair for a lot of people.) Or...you can eliminate the problem altogether by eliminating the transit. That's what I've done.

And what happens if you don't live in a city? What happens if you live in a very small town that doesn't have any English speakers, let alone academies or language schools? Ah. That's another huge advantage with Skype: where there's Internet, there's class! You don't need to have bricks...just clicks. So far, I've worked with students in places like Ciudad Real, Barcelona, Lleida, A Coruña and Segovia, and all of them have been pleased with the result. And at least two of them are very happy that they don't have to have the house totally clean before the teacher comes to give class!

If you're not convinced...ask me for a free class! Try before you buy! If you have Skype and would like to see what a class is like...send me an e-mail! I'm offering a free Skype class to anyone who contacts me before Monday, September 19th, 2011. (Limit of one Skype class per person.)

What is an English class worth?

How much is an English class worth to you? Let me ask you this: who's worth more to you, your cleaning lady or your English teacher?

I just got off the phone with someone who wanted to pay me €10 an hour for classes. Well, once you calculate the travel time and the preparation time, that's what it would come out to.

I pay my cleaning lady €10 an hour and she can't even read.

Taking English classes is an investment. And sometimes, it's going to be expensive. That's why it's an investment. And I'm not sure why people will happily pay €60 for a lunch that will be digested in two hours, but balk at €25 for an English class that could help them get a job or improve their future.

If you want a trained, experienced English teacher to help you, please don't insult an English teacher by asking them to accept less money than you would pay someone who can't read.

(From 2008:) The Door, Neo...

Looking back on my personal Facebook stuff, I just found this, and thought it might be interesting to share:

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- So you're saying that my English is terrible and that I'm not going to pass.
- I did not say that. You are unfairly manipulating my words.

He looks at the photocopied page of vocabulary suggestions, some of which he might well use. On the back of the page, there's the transcription of the recording of what he produced on Tuesday afternoon. It is a mangled mishmash of sentence fragments, badly conjugated verbs - the whole lot.

- All I'm saying is that if you do what you've been doing, you're going to get what you've always had and things are not going to change.
- I don't agree.

Well, he wouldn't, wouldn't he? As an upper-middle-class twenty-something, he considers it his right to take four weeks of holiday in August and ignore a relatively simple speaking exam task for the better part of three months, then go back home, raising all kinds of hue and cry and phoning every English teacher in SEGUNDAMANO, because he's worried that he just might fail. Again.

No, I shouldn't say that he's worried. He knows he is going to totally fail this exam. When I shake the wet filet of hand that he offers, the two fingers and section of palm that he offers as a matter of courtesy and little else, it is so drenched with cold sweat (and it's almost 30ºC outside) that I half expect his eyes to roll back in his head and his knees to give out, and for him to flop backwards like a clueless Broadway ingenue. Cold sweat. It's still summer outside and he's wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Our poor boy knows he's going down for the third time. And that's not an exaggeration. There are no fourth chances at the Escuela Oficial. Which means that, from here on in, it's Cambridge First Certificate at €179 a pop. And he's confessed to failing that four times.

- I think that the best thing is that I need to find another teacher to take class with. This, in English.
- I think that's an excellent idea.

He doesn't want a teacher. He wants someone to pat him on the head and stroke his cheek and tell him that everything is going to be okay. He wants a cheerleader, a nanny.

He offers to give me back the sheet. Thanks, but I already speak the language almost comes out, but I cut it at:

- Thanks, I still have the originals at home.

What does he expect me to say? THAT's what I don't understand at all. Does he, in all seriousness, expect me to go on endlessly about his linguistic ability? Does he want me to lie like a rug and tell him everything's gonna be all right?

We walk back along Avenida de Badajoz and he keeps his space so much that he walks out into traffic rather than walk behind the bus shelter with me.

- You ever seen "The Matrix"?
- ¿El qué?
- The Matrix.
- ¿El Mundo?
- No. Matrix. La peli con Laurence Fishburne, Keanu Reeves....
- Pues sí, hombre.
- ¿Te acuerdas de lo que dijo Morfeo cuando Neo se planteó abandonar el mundo para entrar al Matrix? (No answer.) Te puedo mostrar el puerto, Neo....

He offers his hand and a perfunctory, slimy handshake, and slouches off.

The Apostrophe S Lesson

Two pictures taken from the streets in the past couple of days....these are very good examples of how you do NOT use the apostrophe S (what Spanish speakers mistakenly refer to as "s anglosajón").

1. Only use 's when you refer to animals, people or groups of people:

- the cat's meow

- the nurse's purse

- Max's mice

"Alba's House Cooking" is incorrect because "Alba's house" is better for the actual living space of a woman named Alba. It does not refer to the dynasty of the Duchy of Alba. For that, you need the preposition OF. "The Cuisine of the House of Alba" is appropriate. As a native speaker, "Alba's House Cooking" makes me think that Alba's apartment has some kind of special powers. (Bad one, Westin Hotels.)

2. Don't use both 's and of together if you're not sure. If the person who owns this bar really is named Benjamín, it's enough to use the 's to show that this is his bar or his business.

We use 's to talk about:

- a person's possessions (Mike's bikes)

- where a person works (Dad's office)

- a part of a person's body (Bree's knees)

- personal relationships (my father's girlfriend, his sister's boss)

Items, things and buildings cannot, however "own" things (the front door of the block of flats, the back door of the car, the front page of the newspaper)

How to swear like a native, Part 1

True opinion: One of the things that most people want to learn first, when they learn a language, is the swear words. The academic part of me thinks that this is because swear words signify extreme emotions, which you usually want to avoid when you speak a language. The same problem exists here as with any other vocabulary: it's important to use it properly, to show what you mean.

"Shit" creates special problems for Spanish speakers of English for several reasons. First, it's not used as commonly in English as it is in Spanish; maybe it's because I live in Madrid, but I hear people here saying it a lot more frequently than I did back home...and, trust me, people where I come from swear a lot.)

Here are some basic guidelines that you can use when you're using this word:

shit - "a swear word that many people find offensive, used to show that you are angry or annoyed (OALD)". English speakers do NOT automatically use it to describe everything that works badly (Better: "This is useless" or "This is a useless piece of junk"), tastes bad ("This is disgusting/awful/horrible"), or as a countable noun. Similarly, if your boss lands you with a stressful, last-minute task, that is not called "a brown" in English.

There are various variations of the word that, when combined with the name of an animal, gives another idea of "extreme emotion", but be careful because they are used in very specific ways:

bullshit - a swear word that many people might find offensive, used to show that the person thinks the information is highly incorrect or deceitful. ("He told you that he's going on holiday with his grandmother? Bullshit!")

apeshit - (esp. to go apeshit) - to become extremely angry, especially when you receive bad or shocking news.

batshit - (esp. batshit crazy) - extremely irrational or crazy. (The politician may have some good ideas about the economy, but I'd never vote for her; she's batshit crazy.)

(One note: don't try looking up definitions for these words in either Wikipedia - which will direct you to "anger", instead; or UrbanDictionary, which has no filter process that eliminates useless or incorrect definitons.)

Why write?

Good question. Why do students hate writing?

• It takes time to learn how to do well.
• It's not something that comes easily to most people. We grow up learning how to talk, but we have to learn how to write. We can make sounds as soon as we're born, but we can't write anything until we have an idea of how language works, and we can make our hands and eyes work together.
• There's the idea that you can't take the mistake back. If you make a mistake when you speak, the mistakes only exist as long as other people remember it. When there's a mistake on paper, it's there, and feels more permanent.

If you hate writing, remember these ideas:

• Anthropologists think that humans have been using spoken communication for over 100,000 years, but we've only had writing for something like 6,000 years. It's not something that we just automatically DO. (Thank you, David Crystal.)
• Writing is hard for everyone. It's hard for native speakers of English, too.
• Avoiding things you hate doesn't make them easier to do. If you avoid writing, you're just making the problem worse.
• No amount of excuses will ever make writing go away. Even if you hate writing with a passion, complaining and moaning and whining and belly-aching and bitching and crying and sulking will never, ever make writing disappear.
• It's all right if you don't write as well as a native speaker does. You just need to know how to write to get what you need. (Remember the key: Language is a tool to get what you want.)
• Writing may not be spontaneous, but that's good, because it means that you have more time and opportunity to say exactly what you want.
• If you make a mistake when you're speaking, you can't take it back and make it perfect. When you write, you DO have a chance to fix what you created.

It's your choice.

New for 2011-2012...

The Tour de France finishes today, which means that the summer is almost over. And since the summer is almost over, that means that the school year's almost here, which means that teachers have to start planning and preparing for September. (Yeah, I know... depressing, isn't it?)

There are a couple of changes that I need to inform students about, so if you're going to be returning to class this fall, or would like to start classes this year, here's what you need to know.

a) Prices: Starting from September, the prices for classes are:

Classes via Skype: €19 per session.

Face-to-Face Classes: €22 per hour if we do them at Stop Spanglish.

Face-to-Face at Your Place:€27 per hour, minimum 90 minutes.

(If you sign up for Skype classes before August 25th, the price still stays at €15, but goes up in September.)

b) To make sure we all understand the same things about HOW we do the classes, Mar has graciously helped me create a Terms of Service agreement that every student will be required to sign before we start classes. Don't panic. It's basically a list of things that I owe you as a teacher and guidelines of how we're going to do business together. When you start classes and begin your training plan, you'll get a copy of this, personalized for you.

As always, if you have any questions, let me know!

Sound...NOT Spelling!

When students learn English pronunciation, it's sometimes hard for them to understand that sometimes there's no direct relationship between the way you pronounce a word and the way you spell it. This joke, which is currently circulating around Facebook, illustrates that problem perfectly: sometimes, it's easier to think of the sounds you need to create a word, rather than the letters.

Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
Then...I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a botle of Baileys, a bodle of wum, a pock of Prungles, an a boc a choclez. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss lol lol

Cheers! Happy Friday, and if you drink, don't type.

Mobile phones in the classroom? The answer is yes!

Once upon a time, I hated it when students brought their cellphones to class. Ten years ago, if students brought their phones to class, it was only for two reasons: a) because they were scared of their manager and had a difficult job where they needed to be available all the time, whether they wanted to be or not; or, more likely b) because they really believed that a call from Mamá, saying, "Buy bread!" was more important than class time was.

Things have changed. First of all, not many companies are offering free classes to their students anymore. People who didn't behave themselves in classes have not been given more classes. (There's an economic crisis, dammit!) The best reason, though, is because phones can do so much more than they could in 2001. As a result, I want to learn some new things, too, especially how to welcome phones into the classroom. Here are three reasons to keep that phone on while you're learning.

Don't write it down - take a photo! Even the cheapest mobile phone now has a decent camera on it. If you find it hard to take notes AND take part in the class at the same time, use the camera on your phone to record what's being written on the board. (I do this a lot when we have a class with a lot of grammar, and there's something I want to remember.)

Keep track of your homework assignments and exam dates with a notes application. I use Evernote because I can link it in with Gmail, and it can use the camera's capabilities

Use an online dictionary like Dictionary.com, instead of a paper dictionary. I'm not sure if Oxford has any plans to release a free app of any of their dictionaries (wouldn't it be great to have the Advanced Learner's Dictionary for free on your iPhone and save €45?) but you can get Dictionary.com for free, and I'm sure that there are probably many other reference books available through Android and iPhone (I've got a Blackberry, which has lots of good stuff but not any of the big publishers. Not for free, anyway.)

Before I forget, the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary is now available, totally free, through the Oxford University Press website.

Obviously, there are some things you still shouldn't do with a phone. You won't be permitted to bring any kind of telephone into an official exam, such as First or TOEFL, and it would be very unwise to do that with a school exam. Turn the settings to SILENT so that you don't disturb anyone, don't take phone calls in class (if you need to take a phone call, let your teacher know before class starts and be subtle about learning) and be careful how much texting you do in class. After all, you ARE in class for a reason!